Only Human Chapter One
My wife, who was my best friend for 60 years, died in 2024.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about humanity’s place in the universe. Thinking about the human condition holds off thoughts about my personal condition. Or, rather, it puts my self pity in perspective. I asked Google AI “How many galaxies in the universe?”
“The number of galaxies in the observable universe is estimated to be between 100 billion and 2 trillion. This estimate is based on observations of small sections of the universe and extrapolated to the observable universe as a whole. The true number may be even higher, as we can't observe all galaxies due to their distance and faintness.”
Ooooh-Kaaay.
How old is the universe?
“The current scientific consensus is that the universe is approximately 13.8 billion years old. This age is based on observations of the cosmic microwave background radiation and the expansion rate of the universe, which are consistent with the Big Bang theory.”
Oh, yeh. The Big Bang.
Where did the material for the Big Bang come from and how dd it get here?
“The Big Bang theory describes the universe's origin from an extremely hot, dense state. While the theory doesn't explain what existed before the Big Bang (as time itself is thought to have originated with it), it does describe how the universe evolved from that initial state. The ‘material’ of the universe, meaning matter and energy, is thought to have arisen from the incredibly high energy density of the initial singularity.”
And where is the universe going?
“The universe is currently expanding and accelerating, and its ultimate fate is still being researched. Scientists theorize it could end in a Big Rip, a Big Freeze, or a Big Crunch, depending on factors like dark energy and the universe's overall shape.”
Just answer the question. What is the universe expanding into?
“The universe is not expanding into anything. It's simply expanding, meaning the distances between gravitationally unbound objects (like galaxies) are increasing over time. This expansion is an intrinsic property of space itself, and there isn't an external ‘outside’ or ‘void’ that the universe is expanding into.”
A copout? Sure. But who can blame the AI? We humans have been asking similar questions for millennia and have done no better. Mostly we settle for “God is everywhere, has always been, and is all-powerful.” That tells us everything and nothing.
Have you ever asked yourself, “What if there was nothing?” Can you imagine “nothing”? Just trying makes my stomach churn.
The universe is unimaginably, inconceivably vast. And finite… measurable… quantifiable. And beyond it… nothing? Churn, churn. Best to confine my inquiry to the universe.
In the vastness, our planet is the equivalent of a single atom. Or maybe an electron circling a single atom.
And we humans?
Google AI: “Scientists estimate that there are roughly 8.7 million species of plants and animals on Earth. While approximately 1.2 million species have been described and cataloged, it is believed that a vast number of species, potentially millions more, remain undiscovered.”
Kind of puts us in our place, doesn’t it? One species among uncounted millions sharing the thin band between the earth’s crust and the vacuum we call outer space.
And yet… of all these millions of plants and animals, the human animal is the only one that speaks in tongues, writes words, investigates, invents, designs and builds… and blows things up. Sure, we can point to animals with rudimentary societies, primitive shelters, semblances of language. Analogies abound in nature. But let’s face it. No other species comes close to building and outfitting a home like the one you probably live in. I don’t even need to extrapolate into cities and all the technologies we find in them in order to win my point. Fact is, no other species on the planet can touch us.
So that must prove something, right?
To our ancestors, and to many of us today, it proves we are special… unique. More to the point, it proves we are immortal. Our bodies die, like all animal bodies. But what makes us unique isn’t just our big brains. It’s our souls. And they don’t die. “Nothing” is unimaginable. Fading to nothing is unacceptable. Bottom line, every organized religion, every church and temple and synagogue and totem pole and Stonehenge and pyramid is an affirmation of our superiority over the Nothing. We need all the affirmation we can conjure. And as affirmations have multiplied and proliferated, we tell ourselves all those priests and rabbis and shamans and theologians can’t be wrong, can they?
I’ve always considered atheism to be the ultimate human arrogance. Even more arrogant than wondering out loud if we might be the only intelligent beings in the universe. Seriously?
So why has it been so hard for me to let go?
For starters, I’m agnostic. I just don’t know. Faith is agnosticism wearing a blindfold. We can’t see the abyss. We jump anyway. We choose to believe in the soft landing, the happy ending. Or we take off the blindfold and admit we never needed it. We are blind. That’s me.
Even granting myself God doesn’t tell me whether we have immortal souls. That’s quite a leap as well. The angels may be enough immortals to satisfy God. We may be one of God’s (and the angels’) video games. Other games may be popping up all over the universe all the time.
And when it’s “game over”? Then nothing.
Without faith, without a priest or rabbi or imam, who else is there? A grief counselor… a shrink. Poor substitutes for my money. Like the science they represent and invoke, they are persuasive, but not comforting. How comforted are you by knowing there are trillions of galaxies? I rest my case.
Meanwhile, back here on planet earth, friends and relatives assure me I will get past the grief. I may even meet somebody new. The odds seem to favor that.
Google AI, how many people are on the planet?
“8.062 billion as of 2023”
And no doubt still climbing.
Eight billion. Eight billion, Eight billion.
But I only want the one I no longer can have.
Fuck.
